Ghosts
by lomax89
Summary: A newly regenerated Thirteenth Doctor finds the Twelfth Doctor's coat in the TARDIS wardrobe and remembers the person she used to be.


The Doctor stood in front of the mirror of the TARDIS wardobe, studying her new look with satisfaction. It was the first chance she'd got to change after blowing up the Cybermen ruined her old clothes. Her run-in with her First self, Bill and the Captain, regenerating, and then having to save the world _for about the millionth time_ had put more important items on the agenda than a simple change of clothes. She wondered if the universe would ever allow her to simply recover from regeneration in peace. Still, this outfit seemed to work. It looked like _her_ and would say what this version of her was about, not that she knew much about that herself. It all felt so _new_ , as it always did when she changed. New sights, new smells, new sounds, new tastes. A whole universe to explore.

And she wasn't the only thing that was new. The TARDIS had taken some damage during the regeneration and had rebuilt herself. And she was _beautiful_. The Doctor was going to have a great time exploring and seeing where everything was this time. She wondered if the swimming pool was back in the library. The three humans who'd she'd inadvertantly ended up dragging along were currently running about somewhere in the endless TARDIS corridors, probably giddy with excitement as they explored her magical machine.

The Doctor turned to walk out when something caught her eye. She took a few steps towards it, picking up the black overcoat she'd worn for much of her last life only to carelessly discard it as soon as she'd stepped into the wardrobe. She ran her hand through the red lining. It seemed to have lost it's appeal, as her old clothes always did when she regenerated. Her once loved bow ties, converse and leather jackets all didn't seem as fashionable or glamorous once she changed, and she'd usually waste no time in tossing her old garments aside to find something that suited her new self.

Looking at the coat, she would say '' _what was I thinking_?'' but that wasn't accurate. She'd _been_ that man right until the very end. She knew exactly what she'd thought when she picked up that coat. She'd made her final stand on Trenzalore expecting that to be the end. She'd watched so many people die, and was fully prepared to lose her beloved Clara. Then she'd changed at the last minute, and was forced to face the reality of all she'd lost on Trenzalore. The amount of people she'd watched grow and live and die had made her realise just how tiny and fleeting their lives were. Her Eleventh self could delude himself into thinking he was Clara's lover, but after changing it was plain to see that falling head-over-heels would end in heartbreak for them both. It was time to take a step back. That's what the clothes were about. She couldn't be the silly, bow tie wearing prankster any more. She chose the black outfit for the same reason she chose the leather jacket in her Ninth body. It screamed _''Don't approach me.''_

She slung the coat over her shoulder and headed off back to the console room, thinking of the memories she created in her last body. It wasn't just doubts over her love that Trenzalore had brought about. All the atrocities she'd committed made her wonder if she was a good person at all. Clara didn't seem to know any better either. As the Doctor stepped into the new console room, she knew the answer. She was _''an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Passing through, helping out, learning.''_ It didn't matter whether she was a good person, as long as she tried her best.

Thinking of the three humans running about the corridor, she knew they'd be better off at home. Two kids barely out of their teens, and an older gentleman with a spark of youth about him. In her last body, the Doctor had once again learned the lesson that she was best off travelling alone. Her attempt to take a step back from Clara hadn't worked very well. She'd gotten jealous of Danny the moment he showed up, and when he passed away she'd once again let herself fall head over heels. It ended in tragedy, as it always did, but then she found River. The Doctor had been fully prepared for them to run away together, until she realised where they'd ended up, _''Darillium''._ Things end, because they have to. Twenty-four glorious years, and once again she ended up alone. She'd dug out Nardole because she needed someone, and Bill had pestered her to let her come along. They made quite the team. Three best mates, off to see the universe. She shook her head. Maybe if she hadn't been foolish enough to think Missy would change, they would still be here. But the lesson was learned, for the moment at least. Soon as they were back on Earth, these three were going home. The Doctor liked all three of them, but she'd like them a lot more alive than dead.

The Doctor sighed. Was this the person she'd become now? Lonely, angry and bitter... Looking at the black coat, she realised how insecure she'd been as her last self. She spent all her time wandering whether she was a good person, yet her last act was saving a bunch of humans who were probably going to die anyway. And why? _''Because it's kind!''._ What other reason was needed? And then she'd saved the Captain. She'd been fully prepared to end it all before that, until she realised that there was still so much good she could do. _Kind._ That's who her last self was. If she hadn't blown up the Cybermen, she'd still _be_ the grumpy Scotsman with the crazy hair. She'd probably be shouting at her new companions to behave themselves, and _tough, dependable sexy_ would have had a perfect, good-as-new copy of the coat in her hands waiting for her in the wardrobe. She smiled. It was true what they said: _You don't know what you've got till it's gone._ Now she once again had no idea who she was, and would likely have to go through more pain and tragedy to find out.

The Doctor knew what needed to be done. She stalked through the console room until she reached the doors, opening them to reveal the beauty of deep space. She sighed, not wanting to do it. Even if the coat wasn't something she wanted to wear any more, she still felt like she was discarding a part of herself. She'd never liked endings, and though she didn't know much about her current self besides being a woman and having a taste for rainbow-striped shirts, she had a feeling she still didn't. Maybe she'd let Graham, Yasmine and Ryan stay after all. She knew what happened when she travelled alone. The images of Clara, River, Bill, Nardole and countless others whom she'd loved and lost during her many lives flickered through her mind. She knew she had to look after them properly. And she would, she swore it. It was time to move on. By the end, she'd loved being her last self. But now, she was her current self, and it was time to find out what she'd ended up with this time.

''Doctor... I let you go,'' she whispered, before dropping her old coat into the vastness of space. She sighed and shut the door. She whirled around and dashed through the console room, heading straight into the corridor with a grin on her face. She was off to find her new friends, and together they'd explore the universe.

She knew the Twelfth would be proud.


End file.
